Teens Throw Cotton Balls Instead of Eggs at House

Salem, MA – A city that is known to be famous on Halloween hits the papers for a different reason.  Trick or treater’s took the streets as usual and candy was given out.  The night did not conclude without houses being egged and trees being teepeed.

Some local teens were caught around 11pm on Halloween night outside of a house on Cherry St.  “It looked like they were egging the house,” said officer King.  The teens were released immediately when the officer discovered they were using cotton balls instead of eggs.

“Technically they were trespassing and littering, but considering it was Halloween and they were actually throwing cotton balls instead of eggs to egg a house, I just let them carry on,” officer King continued.

The four teens had to stand within 3 feet of the house; otherwise the cotton balls would not hit the house.  Scientists state that with their arm velocity and body mechanics, they would have been able to stand 63 feet and 8 inches away from the house if they had been using eggs.

The homeowners (who have chosen to be kept private) were not awoken by the sound of the cotton balls against their home.  They were pleased eggs were not involved but have requested that the cotton ballers come back to clean up the mess before their dog, Avery, chokes on them.

North Face Discontinues Men’s Spandex

After an extensive pro/con list, it’s official: North Face has decided to stop making men’s lower extremity spandex.  “We weighed out the positives and negatives before making this decision.  We went over the number of answers on each list and the quality of our reasoning behind it.  It was unanimous,” Kenneth Klopp, founder of North Face said.

The pro/con list was kept private; however, we can only imagine what is on that list.  “We feel that it is a decision that will make men [and women] happier across the country [and world],” Klopp added in. 

Klopp is definitely correct. No one wants to see men in spandex running down the street.  North Face is in the process of discontinuing men’s short-shorts as well.  

Repairman Finds Hammer

Carlsbad, New Mexico – A local repairman from Harris and Sons Co Inc ™ arrived at a job on Sunday afternoon to repair some shudders.  Panic set in upon arrival as Louis Harris realized he did not have his hammer.  “The primary tool that I needed to use to fix these shudders was my hammer,” Harris exclaimed.  “There were some nails that needed to be hammered.”

Harris told us that his company believes it is unethical to ask his customer if he can borrow a hammer, but he decided to do it anyways.  “He came in our house and asked to borrow our hammer.  I was kind of surprised he didn't have his own,” Gloria Peterson told us regarding Harris’ unethical decision. “Unfortunately, I don’t own one.”

Harris went along and began his projected completing as much as he could without the assistance of his hammer.  “I called my brother and asked if he could bring me one but he was fixing someone’s toilet,” Harris said.

After completing all he could without his hammer, Harris checked his bag one more time. “It had been in my bag all along.  Somehow I missed it.” 

All it took was a double-checking of his bag to realize he had his hammer all along.  Not only was Harris so relieved to have his hammer, he repaired all ten shudders on the house.  After his job was complete, he hammered 47 nails into an extra piece of wood just for fun.

Chucky Doll Comes to Life & Helps with Household Chores

Hardin, MT – In a small, normally quiet home on 4^th St W, an unusual event had occurred.  After watching Child’s Play 3 last night, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson were woken up at approximately 4 this morning when they heard sounds coming from the kitchen.

“It sounded like the water was running and the vacuum was on.  I don’t know, maybe some power tools.  It woke us up!,” Mr. Robinson exclaimed.  “My wife and I woke up and I went downstairs with my tennis racquet.”

With his tennis racquet in hand ready to strike the intruder, Mr. Robinson was shocked to find what he did.  “Our Chucky doll was cleaning our dishes from the night before.  The floor looked polished, the table was set.  I couldn’t believe it,” stated Mr. Robinson.  “Then he said to me ‘I am sorry, did I wake you?’  I was relieved there was no intruder but it was hard to believe that my Chucky doll came to life.  And was cleaning the house too”

“We have been huge fans of the Chucky movies and periodically watch them.  Our Chucky doll had been in our guest bedroom,” Mrs. Robinson reported.

Chucky, who has been an evil villain in his movies is actually an extremely generous and helpful doll.  We were lucky enough to have some words with him.

Q: What made you decide to clean the Robinson’s house?

A: I knew they watched my movie last night and I didn’t want them to think that I really was an evil character.  I had been sitting still since I was purchased and I thought it was time for some change.

Q: Do you expect any compensation for your work?

A: I am not in need of any.  I am a toy doll.

Q: Do you see these chores as becoming a weekly or even daily task for you?

A: I don’t see why not.

Mr. and Mrs. Robinson are hoping that if and when Chucky performs household chores again, it is not at 4 in the morning.

Man With Small Hands Buys Small Doorknobs

Greeneville, AL – It has been three years that Eric Hanson has been living in his current home.  It has been his whole life that he has been living with his tiny hands.  Last Tuesday, Hanson came up with an idea that will change his life forever.           

“Yes, it was Tuesday.  I came home from work and finally realized that I don’t need to keep putting up with these huge, normal sized doorknobs when I have such small hands,” Hanson stated.  “It just hit me – I decided to get some smaller doorknobs.”

It took the 43 year old a few years longer than it should have to come up with this idea but the important part is that he did.  “I have had trouble for years getting doors open.  I think I’m going to start buying small jars of jam too.”  

What a feel-good story to report.  Hanson is hoping his story will inspire other men and women with small hands to also look into installing smaller doorknobs for their homes.

Apple Releases New iPhone 4C

Cupertino, CA - Apple has just released its latest iPhone that comes standard with a crack in the screen.  Apple’s CEO states the distinct feature of this new model is that “no two cracks will be the same.”  The crack on your iPhone 4C will not match the crack on your friend’s iPhone 4C. “It is all about the element of surprise of what your crack is going to look like and where on the screen it is going to be,” said Apple’s CEO.

            Apple is hoping this new model will decrease frustration among iPhone users who have created their own cracks in the screen. “If customer’s already have a crack in their screen when they purchase their iPhone, it certainly won’t be as upsetting after they drop their phone and it cracks…cause it will already be cracked,” Apple’s CEO explained.

        The new model will be available by Winter 2012.  Pre-orders are available on September 25, 2012

Ashton Kutcher Had a Good Night Sleep

Hollywood, CA – As the first season of Two and a Half Men featuring Ashton Kutcher continues, Kutcher basks in his success.  “Whatever I do turns out awesome,” Kutcher told us.  The latest season [9] of Two and a Half Men has been a joy for Ashton Kutcher as he continues his career in television in more than just Nikon commercials.  “It was just constant filming.  The show is about 22 minutes long, about 20 or 21 minutes longer than the commercials so the filming exhausted me – especially when we would party after.”

Kutcher read the script and thought this was a great idea for a new TV show.  “[During filming] I was up early in the morning.  I went to bed late at night. You watch the show and you will notice the last few episodes of the season, I’m almost not myself.  I was tired,” Kutcher told us. 

It was only four days after the camera was turned off and the final episode was completed, that Kutcher finally has a good night sleep.  “It was really incredible.  I went to bed around 7:30 [pm] and woke up at about 3:15 the next afternoon.  It was a good 8 hours of sleep,” Kutcher exclaimed.

He may need to work on his math skills as it was closer to 20 hours of sleep.  Even though, Two and a Half Men is declining with its new lead actor, Kutcher’s slumber time is on the incline.  If we’re lucky, CBS will pay Sheen the extra cash and bring him back to life for season 10.  

Movers Fit Couch through Doorway

Carlton, MN – UMove, a local moving company was able to fit a Dawson Cool Sofa with faux leather down two flights of stairs with only a tiny knick on the side of the leg of the couch.  “The people we had bought the house from left that couch up there.  I wasn’t sure if it would make it down,” said homeowner, Cliff Rudd.  “It’s a great couch.  I would have hated to let it go,” he added.

“When they called and scheduled for us to come, they said there was just one little thing up there [on the 3^rd floor], they didn’t tell us it was a couch that seats three,” said Phil Clifton, owner of UMove. 

The couch actually made it through three doorways to get it out of the home.  There was one out of the third floor room to the stairway, one from the first floor stairway to the hall, and one out of the home to the outside world. 

“That final doorway took several turns of the couch to get it out but we couldn’t get that close and not deliver.  The only challenge now might be getting it into the new house,” Clifton added. 

The Rudd family is very confident that the couch will fit into the new home after UMove was able to get it out of the old.  If not, keep your eyes open for a free couch on the curb!

Car Makes it 37 Miles to Gas Station

Tuscon, AZ – Miles Whalen was heading North on I-10 heading toward Phoenix when he missed exit 12.  “I was changing a song on my iPod so I missed the exit,” Whalen said.  “I knew I needed gas but it was just after the exit that my gas light came on,” he added.

The 2006 Dodge Charger that he was driving is known to get approximately 24 miles per gallon on the highway.  With the gas-light on and the next nearest gas station 37 miles away, Whalen needed a miracle.  He decided to incorporate the vehicles cruise control feature in attempt to increase gas mileage production.  He also turned off his music and his air conditioner. 

“For some reason, I didn’t have my AAA card either!  It was scary, man.  It was scary,” Whalen added.  As his travels continued, he veered off the next exit, 34 miles down the road, with his car still running. “I swear it [the gas tank] was below empty.  It reminded me of the parting of the Red Sea, a miracle!” Whalen proclaimed.   

Whatever it was that helped Whalen gain those extra 13 miles to the gas station without stalling, he and whatever family member or friend he would have called to help him, can be thankful. 

Update – After Dodge became aware of this story, it turns out this was not a miracle whatsoever, but in fact, it was an issue with the 2006 Charger.  A recall on the 2006 Dodge Charger fuel gauge is in effect.  It turns out Whalen had plenty of miles to go before he actually needed to get gas and was not even close to running out.  Again, this was not a miracle and in fact was solely a mechanical difficulty in his vehicle.  

      Actual Picture of Whalen's Gas Guage

Bank Robber Donates Stolen Money to Local Charities

San Fransisco, CA – After three successful robberies, Jerry Polham, 32, admitted that he was responsible for the damage.  Months of searching led police nowhere close to the discovery that Polham, a high school art teacher was responsible.  “We have been looking for whoever had been doing this since November [2011].  It’s a blessing to see that our hard work has finally paid off,” spoke Officer James of the SFPD. 

A total of 58.3 million dollars was missing from the three banks but as the investigation continued, other than his confession, there was no evidence that Polham was guilty, or even had anything to do with the crime.  His bank account had only normal changes within the past three months; grocery bills, his usually bi-weekly paycheck from Marina Middle School, a few clothing purchases, etc. A deep search of his one bedroom apartment led to no findings of any cash of any kind either.  In an interview with Jerry Polham, he shocked the world.

“Jerry, you admitted to robbing three banks and stealing 58.3 million dollars.  Where is the money?” Polham was asked by Detective Rheinhold.

“Freedom from Hunger, Unicef, American Heart Association, and the American Cancer Society. Do I get a reward?” 

The 32 year old had robbed three banks and donated all of the money to charity.  “I wanted to split it up and give the money to several charities rather than just one,” Polham said.  “I auditioned to be on ‘Deal or No Deal’ but I didn’t make the cut so I was running out of ways to get the money.”

Stephen Baker of the Freedom from Hunger campaign was willing to comment on this criminal generosity; “We had been receiving great anonymous checks for a few weeks and we didn’t think twice!  We have decided we’ll give twenty bucks back to each bank that was stolen from.”

Unfortunately, all of the stolen money will have to be returned to the banks and Polham will have a hearing scheduled in early March.  The American Heart Association had spent approximately $7,000 from the donation on creating a new CPR technique and the banks have agreed to call it a donation.

Talking Sea Lion Found on Pier 39

San Francisco, CA – Spotting a sea lion on Pier 39 is not an unusual site but what passerby’s witnessed last Sunday afternoon was a site for sore eyes.  This sea lion stood out slightly more than the others.  A local passerby described what he saw; “It was insane! He was talking and doing a one-man show…or a one ‘sea-lion’ show.  I felt like I was in a kid’s movie.” 

The sea lion was about 20 feet from where the pier meets the water by the corner of the pier.  Another spectator described what she saw; “he was singing while juggling fish.  I don’t really know what he was singing but it was really good…had a deep voice.” 

A marine biology student, Susan Stein, from San Francisco State University gave her best estimate that it was a green sunfish that the sea lion was juggling.  She also predicted that despite the sea lion’s deep tone, she was female. 

While our sea lion friend had no sea lion spectators, she was certainly bombarded with humans surrounding her act.  She even promised that she would be back next Sunday at 1:00 pm with CD’s for sale.

Electricity Comes Back Just Before Kickoff

Stoughton, MA – It was 4:45 pm, approximately an hour and 45 minutes before kickoff of Super Bowl 46 where the New York Giants would take on the New England Patriots.  For a die-hard Pats fan, what could go wrong?  Excitement built up in the air and a plate of wings on the way - what Patriots fans live for.  A local family describes to us the one thing that could go wrong in this situation.

“Our power went out,” Larry Davis told us.  “This is not a time to lose power.  Not right before the Super Bowl.”

Stoughton is merely twenty minutes from Gilette Stadium so you can only imagine what these folks were thinking.  “It wasn’t just me and my family either.  My wife and I had another couple over and my kids had some friends here too.  My parents were on their way,” Davis added. 

National Grid was quickly made aware of the issue that took power from 87 homes just before the Super Bowl.  Several trucks of workers were sent out to figure out the problem.  “The hardest part was going to be figuring out why the power went out.  There were no weather issues in the area that would have caused this,” said Gregory Nugnent, head of National Grid in the Norfolk County. 

At 6:08, National Grid had resolved the problem and power was restored for all 87 residents who had been spent 83 minutes in the dark.  The three National Grid workers who fixed the issue even made it back in time for kickoff. 

“We came to the conclusion that a beaver actually gnawed through some underground wires,” Nugnent explained.  The wires generally sit about a foot underground.  Nugnent added that “there was a hole about a foot deep and they could see teeth marks on the wires.  It was definitely beaver teeth marks – no doubt about it.” 

Hand Sanitizer Now Kills 100.00% of Germs

Akron, Ohio – Since 1996, GOJO Industries has been producing Purell hand sanitizer that kills 99.99% of germs.  As effective as that is, people are still getting sick.  Killing 99.99% can only do so much when we still have .01% of germs crawling around our bodies, infecting us in every which way. 

Let’s use a scenario to describe this - you sneeze into your hands before cleaning them with Purell.  Then you go to a job interview and shake your potential future boss’s hand.  If you had one million germs on your hand before you used Purell, after killing 99.99%, you still have 100 germs on you.  You will be infecting your future boss, guaranteed. 

GOJO has solved the problem.

Released earlier this week was a new hand sanitizer that kills 100.00% of germs.  This is a new revelation toward science and health.  Joe Kanfer, CEO of GOJO Industries believes this will help prevent illness across the country and eventually the world; “this could be the solution to the problem.  Think about it.  Before you still had bacteria on your hands but now you won’t.  You will have 0.00% of germs remaining on your hands.”

If other hand sanitizer-producing companies will be able to reproduce this magical way of science remains a mystery for now.

GOJO did not even stop there.  At an inside look we got in the factory, we were given a sneak peak on a new foot sanitizing spray that will eliminate 100.00% of stinky feet smell. 

Hungry Man Eats Sandwich

Tuckahoe, VA – On Sunday afternoon around 3:00pm EST, James Dilwyn was feeling a little hungry.  He did what many people would do in this situation – he ate a sandwich.  Dilwyn described this sandwich as “not just any sandwich.”  He continued with “this sandwich was one of a kind.  I don’t even think I could recreate this sandwich.”

“Well time kind of just flew by.  I ate breakfast around 8:00 that morning and just forgot to eat lunch so by the time 3:00 came around, I was really hungry.”  Dilwyn also told us he usually eats lunch closer to noon and never any later than 1:00. 

He did not want this one of a kind sandwich kept a secret either.  We were provided with a detailed description; “Once I decided that what I was going to eat was going to be a sandwich, I took out two slices of white bread.  Wonder bread to be exact.  It really doesn’t matter what the brand of the white bread is.  Next I just had to decide what I wanted to go in between these slices.  I was going to put some turkey in there but I had finished my turkey last night.  I opened my refrigerator and took out my Welch’s grape jelly.  I then lathered one slice of bread with the jelly.  This wasn’t just a jelly sandwich, my friend.  Here’s the twist.  I went back in the fridge and took out some Jif peanut butter and put peanut butter on the other slice of bread.  I then combined the two slices into sandwich form and ate it.”

Dilwyn continued to explain again that his experience was one of a kind and it was something he will never forget; “I was actually not full from the sandwich so I ate a banana after.”