Chocolate Milk Still Tastes Good

Phoenix, AZ – 37 year old, Wayne Freeman is surprised how much he still enjoys the taste of chocolate milk after all these years.  “It was my favorite drink as a kid.  I would drink it with my mac n cheese,” Freeman explained.  To clarify for those of you who don’t know, chocolate milk is a mixture of milk and chocolate (most commonly in powder or syrup form).

“When I was younger, I noticed my parents ate things like egg salad, green beans, pea soup, and borscht.  They never drank chocolate milk so I thought I only had a limited time to enjoy it myself,” Freeman said.

It was reported that the recipe for chocolate milk has not changed since the beginning of time and in a recent taste test it was found that chocolate milk is “still delicious.”

Freeman continued to tell us that “I’ve been waiting twenty-five years for the day that I stop liking it but now, as a grown-up who still loves the stuff, I don’t see it happening.”

Freeman said that after he retires he plans on “brewing” his on chocolate milk, however, isn’t that what everyone does anyway?

Man Gains Weight To Fit Into Marathon T-Shirt

Piney Point, MD – Crossing the finish line of a marathon is quite a remarkable task and after finishing your first, it can be quite the process to recover.  Joe Mitchell (24), of Drayden, MD, had something else on his mind after completing the Lower Potomac River Marathon. 

“Yes, I ran it two Saturday’s ago.  It was an amazing feeling to run my first marathon,” Mitchell told us.  All finishers were given a ‘Lower Potomac River Marathon’ t-shirt.  Despite asking for a medium sized shirt, Mitchell was handed a large and did not notice before returning home. “I was so upset.  I wear a medium!  Not a large!  I really wanted to wear this t-shirt to show off what I did.”

After several telephone calls, in attempt to swap his large for a medium, frustration built up without success.  “This is my favorite t-shirt I’ve ever had and I’m going to wear it and that’s that,” Mitchell exclaimed in anger.  He began to brainstorm a list of ideas.  He tried shrinking the shirt but the 5% polyester would not allow the 95% cotton to downsize whatsoever. 

With no way of making the shirt smaller, Mitchell only had one option – “I decided to make myself bigger,” Mitchell said.

Two weeks and twenty-three pounds later, he has done just that.  A diet of fast foods, doughnuts, and string-cheese has brought him exactly to his goal – into his t-shirt. 

“Well, I ate all this delicious tasting food for every meal for two weeks.  I forgot how good cinnamon rolls were.  I ran a marathon.  I deserved to eat a little junk.  It was an amazing two weeks and most importantly, I can now wear my t-shirt whenever I want.  That is the real reward,” Mitchell commented. 

It was clear that Joe Mitchell gained more pleasure from fitting into his t-shirt than from completing the Lower Potomac River Marathon.  And it’s a good thing he was able to fit because based on the looks of the twenty-four year old now, that will probably be the last marathon t-shirt he will be earning.  

Serial Killer Eats Cereal

Chicago, IL – The whole city was in shock this morning when the undetectable “Texas Toast” serial killer did not strike at his usual time of 10:00am.  After six straight days of attacks, it has been reported that the serial killer has taken the day off to enjoy a nice bowl of frosted mini wheats with skim milk.

A local police chief has filled us in; “this morning, one of the officers was coming into the station and found this note and photograph from the serial killer on the front door.”  The note read, “no one dies today.”  Behind the note was a picture of the masked man with a spoonful of delightful frosted mini wheats.

“We are not sure what this means or why he is not killing today.  We had one of the interns re-enact eating a bowl of frosted mini wheats to help us out.  It took him only six minute and thirty two seconds to finish and we told him to take his time, too.”

This 392 second breakfast activity still leaves 86,008 seconds in the rest of the day to strike.

“We are thinking maybe he ate more than one bowl,” the police chief said.  “Or maybe the milk was spoiled and he got sick?”

Police are still trying to figure out why the ‘Texas Toast’ serial killer has decided to eat cereal instead of kill, but are pleased with his decision.  “Whatever his reasoning is, frosted mini wheats sure are delicious,” the intern added.

Junior High Bully Takes Day Off

Kuna, ID - According to sources, local Kuna Junior High School bully, Trevor Downing has decided not to bother his usual victims or any other students today.  His primary target, Bradley Jenkins, will remain bully free, keeping him unkicked and his head free from all toilet water for the day.  "It's nice," said Jenkins.  "I'm going to have to make the most of my day off."  Jenkins sounded very pleased in an interview this morning.  "I feel like a free man! Like I could do anything!"

Downing stated he woke up feeling different; more calm and relaxed.  He also ate cookie crisp cereal for breakfast. "Well, we ran out of cocoa pebbles and my mom said they [the grocery store] didn't have any so she got cookie crisp," Downing told us.  "The cookie crisp was pretty good.  I really like cookies and milk so what a great cereal choice."

It was reported that Downing’s mother, Linda dropped him off at school at 7:56am.  When he arrived, he quickly saw Jenkins and just walked by him and politely nodded.  Downing continued saying "yeah, I just felt satisfied without pushing him into the fire hydrant he was standing beside.  It's not like I didn't think about it.  I just didn't.  Maybe tomorrow."

Jenkins was so pleased that during lunchtime he bought an extra twelve ounce carton of chocolate milk and gave it to Downing. "I don't know why I bought him the milk but I did!" Jenkins proclaimed.  "After school, I'm gonna fly my kite."

'Homeless Shelter' Serves Food To Homeless

Lincoln, NE – ‘People’s Mission,’ a local homeless shelter in Lincoln, Nebraska served food to many homeless people last weekend.  This homeless shelter has expanded the idea of helping others so drastically that they are willing to provide free food and shelter to the less fortunate, a concept that is sure to change history.   

According to Derek Benjamin, a server at People’s Mission, the food provided was meatloaf, baked beans, mashed potatoes, eggs, white rice, and cantaloupe.  “The food actually looked better than usual,” said Benjamin.  “I was pretty hungry myself but my boss wouldn’t let me have any since I’m not homeless.”

This was not the first time this shelter had served food, however.  According to the volunteer coordinator, Amy Lank, People’s Mission provides shelter and serves food to the homeless everyday.  These inspirational concepts of providing food and shelter to the less fortunate are so unique and we may never know how this idea originated. 

One question we had for Ms. Lank was; how can People’s City Mission afford to supply so much food and shelter for free while hotels and restaurants charge ample dollars for the same services?  She answered by telling us that they accept donations.  This new view of a ‘homeless shelter’ is surely going to revolutionize the way our country is run.  Only time will tell what kind of food will be served tomorrow. 

Dasani Decides to Start Purifying Water

Atlanta, GA – After eleven years of successful business with unpurified water, Dasani (owned by the Coca-Cola Company) has announced that beginning next week, they will finally begin purifying their water.  According to recent data, consumers who participated in a blind taste test reported that Dasani was the least preferred choice of water out of ten choices, including tap water.

“Well, we figured we went this long without people noticing, we might as well start purifying it before people realize what we’re doing,” said Coca-Cola chairman Muhtar Kent.  “After eleven years of providing the same water you could have got in a water fountain for $1.59 a bottle, you’ll now get purified water in that bottle.”

Dasani water will be joining brands such as Aquafina, Evian, Fiji, Voss, Poland Spring, Zephyrhills, Perrier, Nestle, Propel, and Fruit2O, who have been purifying their water for years.  It will be interesting to see what this water will taste like after the purification process begins.  

Local Man's Car Starts

Clinton, TN – This morning, the 2005 Ford Focus registered to Jim Rogers started with no problems and transported him 3.8 miles in sixteen minutes of travel time to his place of employment.  The 33 year old manager of Stop & Shop was very pleased as he ran slightly later than usual in his morning routine.  “Well, I usually take a shower at night but I was just so tired so I waited til the morning,” Rogers told us.  “It was a quick shower too.  I didn’t even wash my hair.” 

With a shower added into his usual repertoire, Rogers was just so fortunate that his car started so quickly.  Had he been late for work, cashiers with any customer miscommunication would have no one to assist them in such debacles.  “I really am very important.  Miles, [one of the clerks], is a 16 year old high school dropout.  He’s bound to do something wrong.”

Rogers continued to tell us that his car had never actually given him any trouble starting.  “It starts just fine every time and I’ve actually never had any problems with it at all. It’s a Ford though so you never know.  A Ford was definitely not my first choice.”  He then pulled out a list that he had in his pocket describing his top choices of cars.  Ford was listed 23^rd out of 25 – only behind Geo and Oldsmobile. 

“Even though my car has started perfectly every morning, it is a blessing that it did today.  With a Ford in my driveway, I never know what will happen in the morning.”  Hopefully all Ford drivers had the same luck this morning but as we know with Ford, that is doubtful.