Dunkin' Donuts Serves Coffee Flavored Tea

Canton, MA - Dunkin' Donuts has announced they are now serving coffee flavored tea.  “New England loves Dunkin coffee and now we have something that the tea drinkers can really enjoy,” said CEO Nigel Travis. 

Starting today this coffee flavored tea will be served either hot or cold in your favorite flavors of coffee, such as French Vanilla, Hazelnut, or even Caramel.  Travis continued to tell us “we are thinking of adding tea flavored coffee in all your favorite flavored teas as well.  Come on down today and get yourself a Blueberry flavored coffee flavored tea.”

Car Runs On Whole Milk

Appleton, WI – A brand new car company, Mizola, has announced today that their first line of cars will operate on milk, as opposed to gasoline.  They will be releasing three automobiles in the fall of 2011, the Fluenza (starting at $16,995), the Carizard (starting at $22,995), and the Happy Cow (starting at $29,995).

The Fluenza, Carizard, and Happy Cow will be running on skim, 2%, and whole milk respectively.  More detailed specifications about the vehicles will be released by Mizola within the next few weeks; however, we did get to speak with the founder and C.E.O., Dr. James Derwin, about these milk powered cars.

“The idea of alternative fueled cars began with us in 2006 when gas prices began to rise.  My crew and I worked on all sorts of different potential fuels such as mayonnaise, grass, and olive oil, to name a few.  Some fuels were more pricey than gas, some didn’t work, and some didn’t work well,” Dr. Derwin told us. 

We were curious how he ended up with milk; “one day after filling up the car I had with gas, I went inside the gas station to pick up some milk at $2.59 a gallon, thirty cents less per gallon than my gas was.  I brought the idea back to my crew and two years later, kaboom – milk powered cars,” Dr. Derwin responded. 

Dr. Derwin did also tell us that the Fluenza is expected to get 48 miles per gallon of milk on the highway and that the Carizard and the Happy Cow are only expected to get more.  Not only are these vehicles expected to be great on milk, but we are ensured quality performance and very stylish vehicles as well.  Continue to check with Mizola for updated information.

Traffic Light Turns Green For Frustrated Driver

Boston, MA – At approximately 3:52pm yesterday afternoon, the traffic light on the corner of Newbury Street and Gloucester Street turned green after several minutes of patience from driver, Jim Gallagher.  “I had approached the last three lights in a row red and it was like they never turned green.  I was sitting there forever and it was just so frustrating,” says Gallagher.  “Then, finally this one did!” 

Gallagher was heading away from Boston towards P & J Bait Shop on Dorchester Avenue.  “I was gonna go a fishin’,” Gallagher said.  It was estimated that this light turning green saved Gallagher roughly 37 seconds in his travels.

“Well, at the fishin’ store, I got a real good parkin’ space.  Who knows…that space may have been taken if that light had been stayin’ red for longer,” Gallagher exclaimed.  “That awesome parking spot also saved me time.  If I had parked farther away, it would have taken much, much longer to get inside.”

It has also been reported that there are several potholes in the parking lot of P & J Bait shop beyond where Gallagher had been parked.  Had he been forced to park elsewhere, it is likely that he may have gotten a flat tire, run out of gas, or even tripped while walking into the store.  

Chocolate Milk Still Tastes Good

Phoenix, AZ – 37 year old, Wayne Freeman is surprised how much he still enjoys the taste of chocolate milk after all these years.  “It was my favorite drink as a kid.  I would drink it with my mac n cheese,” Freeman explained.  To clarify for those of you who don’t know, chocolate milk is a mixture of milk and chocolate (most commonly in powder or syrup form).

“When I was younger, I noticed my parents ate things like egg salad, green beans, pea soup, and borscht.  They never drank chocolate milk so I thought I only had a limited time to enjoy it myself,” Freeman said.

It was reported that the recipe for chocolate milk has not changed since the beginning of time and in a recent taste test it was found that chocolate milk is “still delicious.”

Freeman continued to tell us that “I’ve been waiting twenty-five years for the day that I stop liking it but now, as a grown-up who still loves the stuff, I don’t see it happening.”

Freeman said that after he retires he plans on “brewing” his on chocolate milk, however, isn’t that what everyone does anyway?

Man Gains Weight To Fit Into Marathon T-Shirt

Piney Point, MD – Crossing the finish line of a marathon is quite a remarkable task and after finishing your first, it can be quite the process to recover.  Joe Mitchell (24), of Drayden, MD, had something else on his mind after completing the Lower Potomac River Marathon. 

“Yes, I ran it two Saturday’s ago.  It was an amazing feeling to run my first marathon,” Mitchell told us.  All finishers were given a ‘Lower Potomac River Marathon’ t-shirt.  Despite asking for a medium sized shirt, Mitchell was handed a large and did not notice before returning home. “I was so upset.  I wear a medium!  Not a large!  I really wanted to wear this t-shirt to show off what I did.”

After several telephone calls, in attempt to swap his large for a medium, frustration built up without success.  “This is my favorite t-shirt I’ve ever had and I’m going to wear it and that’s that,” Mitchell exclaimed in anger.  He began to brainstorm a list of ideas.  He tried shrinking the shirt but the 5% polyester would not allow the 95% cotton to downsize whatsoever. 

With no way of making the shirt smaller, Mitchell only had one option – “I decided to make myself bigger,” Mitchell said.

Two weeks and twenty-three pounds later, he has done just that.  A diet of fast foods, doughnuts, and string-cheese has brought him exactly to his goal – into his t-shirt. 

“Well, I ate all this delicious tasting food for every meal for two weeks.  I forgot how good cinnamon rolls were.  I ran a marathon.  I deserved to eat a little junk.  It was an amazing two weeks and most importantly, I can now wear my t-shirt whenever I want.  That is the real reward,” Mitchell commented. 

It was clear that Joe Mitchell gained more pleasure from fitting into his t-shirt than from completing the Lower Potomac River Marathon.  And it’s a good thing he was able to fit because based on the looks of the twenty-four year old now, that will probably be the last marathon t-shirt he will be earning.  

Serial Killer Eats Cereal

Chicago, IL – The whole city was in shock this morning when the undetectable “Texas Toast” serial killer did not strike at his usual time of 10:00am.  After six straight days of attacks, it has been reported that the serial killer has taken the day off to enjoy a nice bowl of frosted mini wheats with skim milk.

A local police chief has filled us in; “this morning, one of the officers was coming into the station and found this note and photograph from the serial killer on the front door.”  The note read, “no one dies today.”  Behind the note was a picture of the masked man with a spoonful of delightful frosted mini wheats.

“We are not sure what this means or why he is not killing today.  We had one of the interns re-enact eating a bowl of frosted mini wheats to help us out.  It took him only six minute and thirty two seconds to finish and we told him to take his time, too.”

This 392 second breakfast activity still leaves 86,008 seconds in the rest of the day to strike.

“We are thinking maybe he ate more than one bowl,” the police chief said.  “Or maybe the milk was spoiled and he got sick?”

Police are still trying to figure out why the ‘Texas Toast’ serial killer has decided to eat cereal instead of kill, but are pleased with his decision.  “Whatever his reasoning is, frosted mini wheats sure are delicious,” the intern added.

Junior High Bully Takes Day Off

Kuna, ID - According to sources, local Kuna Junior High School bully, Trevor Downing has decided not to bother his usual victims or any other students today.  His primary target, Bradley Jenkins, will remain bully free, keeping him unkicked and his head free from all toilet water for the day.  "It's nice," said Jenkins.  "I'm going to have to make the most of my day off."  Jenkins sounded very pleased in an interview this morning.  "I feel like a free man! Like I could do anything!"

Downing stated he woke up feeling different; more calm and relaxed.  He also ate cookie crisp cereal for breakfast. "Well, we ran out of cocoa pebbles and my mom said they [the grocery store] didn't have any so she got cookie crisp," Downing told us.  "The cookie crisp was pretty good.  I really like cookies and milk so what a great cereal choice."

It was reported that Downing’s mother, Linda dropped him off at school at 7:56am.  When he arrived, he quickly saw Jenkins and just walked by him and politely nodded.  Downing continued saying "yeah, I just felt satisfied without pushing him into the fire hydrant he was standing beside.  It's not like I didn't think about it.  I just didn't.  Maybe tomorrow."

Jenkins was so pleased that during lunchtime he bought an extra twelve ounce carton of chocolate milk and gave it to Downing. "I don't know why I bought him the milk but I did!" Jenkins proclaimed.  "After school, I'm gonna fly my kite."

'Homeless Shelter' Serves Food To Homeless

Lincoln, NE – ‘People’s Mission,’ a local homeless shelter in Lincoln, Nebraska served food to many homeless people last weekend.  This homeless shelter has expanded the idea of helping others so drastically that they are willing to provide free food and shelter to the less fortunate, a concept that is sure to change history.   

According to Derek Benjamin, a server at People’s Mission, the food provided was meatloaf, baked beans, mashed potatoes, eggs, white rice, and cantaloupe.  “The food actually looked better than usual,” said Benjamin.  “I was pretty hungry myself but my boss wouldn’t let me have any since I’m not homeless.”

This was not the first time this shelter had served food, however.  According to the volunteer coordinator, Amy Lank, People’s Mission provides shelter and serves food to the homeless everyday.  These inspirational concepts of providing food and shelter to the less fortunate are so unique and we may never know how this idea originated. 

One question we had for Ms. Lank was; how can People’s City Mission afford to supply so much food and shelter for free while hotels and restaurants charge ample dollars for the same services?  She answered by telling us that they accept donations.  This new view of a ‘homeless shelter’ is surely going to revolutionize the way our country is run.  Only time will tell what kind of food will be served tomorrow. 

Dasani Decides to Start Purifying Water

Atlanta, GA – After eleven years of successful business with unpurified water, Dasani (owned by the Coca-Cola Company) has announced that beginning next week, they will finally begin purifying their water.  According to recent data, consumers who participated in a blind taste test reported that Dasani was the least preferred choice of water out of ten choices, including tap water.

“Well, we figured we went this long without people noticing, we might as well start purifying it before people realize what we’re doing,” said Coca-Cola chairman Muhtar Kent.  “After eleven years of providing the same water you could have got in a water fountain for $1.59 a bottle, you’ll now get purified water in that bottle.”

Dasani water will be joining brands such as Aquafina, Evian, Fiji, Voss, Poland Spring, Zephyrhills, Perrier, Nestle, Propel, and Fruit2O, who have been purifying their water for years.  It will be interesting to see what this water will taste like after the purification process begins.  

Local Man's Car Starts

Clinton, TN – This morning, the 2005 Ford Focus registered to Jim Rogers started with no problems and transported him 3.8 miles in sixteen minutes of travel time to his place of employment.  The 33 year old manager of Stop & Shop was very pleased as he ran slightly later than usual in his morning routine.  “Well, I usually take a shower at night but I was just so tired so I waited til the morning,” Rogers told us.  “It was a quick shower too.  I didn’t even wash my hair.” 

With a shower added into his usual repertoire, Rogers was just so fortunate that his car started so quickly.  Had he been late for work, cashiers with any customer miscommunication would have no one to assist them in such debacles.  “I really am very important.  Miles, [one of the clerks], is a 16 year old high school dropout.  He’s bound to do something wrong.”

Rogers continued to tell us that his car had never actually given him any trouble starting.  “It starts just fine every time and I’ve actually never had any problems with it at all. It’s a Ford though so you never know.  A Ford was definitely not my first choice.”  He then pulled out a list that he had in his pocket describing his top choices of cars.  Ford was listed 23^rd out of 25 – only behind Geo and Oldsmobile. 

“Even though my car has started perfectly every morning, it is a blessing that it did today.  With a Ford in my driveway, I never know what will happen in the morning.”  Hopefully all Ford drivers had the same luck this morning but as we know with Ford, that is doubtful.  

Baltimore Orioles Admit They're Just In It For Fun

Baltimore, MD - Baltimore Orioles owner, Peter Angelos finally admitted today that the team is not actually playing to win - they just want to have fun.  In an interview yesterday afternoon, Angelos claimed "we are in the same division as the Red Sox, Yankees, and Rays.  Hell, even Toronto had a good run last season."

Orioles manager, Buck Showalter, said "I had a feeling the organization was just in it for fun a few years ago when they stopped signing any good players."

Angelos continued saying "the only thing we really had going for us was Cal Ripken.  Unfortunately he decided to retire."  Had Ripken not retired and was still active in his streak, the fifty year old third baseman would be up to 4,577 straight games.  "Maybe Orioles fans would still exist and ticket sales would go to more than just tourists and Red Sox fans."

The smiling Orioles owner made his point that being in the same division as the Red Sox allows an annual increase in ticket sales so that nine times a year when Boston makes a trip to Camden Yards, the ballpark will come close to selling out.  Despite the fact that the large majority of fans are actually rooting for the opposing team is irrelevant.  "It's just fun to have a packed house," Angelos added in.  "Also, our hot dog and pretzel vendors usually show up when they [the Red Sox] come into town."

Orioles general manager, Andy MacPhail stated unless the team changes divisions, they will probably just stay in it to have fun.  He said his goal would be to have fun for five to ten more seasons and then try to switch divisions with the Indians since they're "close enough to the East coast."

T-Mobile Finally Provides Cell Phone Service

Bellevue, Washington - T-Mobile has been a cellular phone provider in Europe and the United States since 1990. With a wide variety of phones to choose from, T-Mobile has announced starting this spring [2011], they will be providing service along with their cell phones. It is hard to believe they have remained in business for over twenty years with the previous number of dropped calls and dead zones their customers complained of.

“I’ve been a T-Mobile customer for six years and I still don’t get service anywhere. I can’t wait to find out what it’s like to actually have service,” says Lynne Sheehan of Birmingham, Alabama.

CEO, Philipp Humm, officially announced that T-Mobile will be adding four towers across the country to join the lone tower currently residing in Wichita, KS, where no one gets service anyway. Here’s what he had to say; “I understand that having only one tower in the center of the country was troubling some of the folks who live in the corner of the United States like those in Seattle and especially in the upper Maine. Within a few months we will have a total of five towers across the country ranging from Rancho Palos Verdes, CA to somewhere in Maine.”

The addition of service to T-Mobile cell phones will allow customers to utilize the capabilities of their phones and do things such as make calls, send text messages, and browse the web. This could put companies such as Verizon and AT&T in jeopardy, especially if T-Mobile plans to release a new ‘sidekick.’

Local Roof Stays Intact

North Granby, CT – With all of the snow that has been pouring down so far this winter, it is no surprise that driving conditions are not at their peak, car crash rates may be increasing, and roofs have been caving in. I would like to share a different story with you. A local family is able to smile with joy after their homes roof has not collapsed.

“Yeah, our neighbors roof, right across the street, collapsed this morning so we’re just really lucky,” Franklin told us.

Seven roofs on his street were reported to have caved in to date this winter and the Franklin family feels very fortunate that they have not had any problems. “We actually haven’t had our roof replaced in over twenty years either so I really am shocked.”

What is so inspirational about this story is the family has decided to climb on top of the roof to make snow angels side by side. When asked why they did this, Franklin’s response was “now we know we will be safe at night, sleeping with angels over our heads. With angels over our heads, nothing bad can happen!”

The Franklin’s are going to be going door to door throughout their neighborhood this week to see if anyone would like their services – that being, creating snow angels on roofs to help secure the safety of the people of North Granby.

Mother Explains To Daughter That Lost Was Not A Reality Show

Wisner, LA – Seventeen year old Carmen Aimwell picked up the full six season box set of LOST three days before her appointment to get her wisdom teeth removed. “I love reality shows and I was looking for a new show like ‘Survivor,’” Aimwell explained. With the wisdom teeth operation only days away, it was wise of Aimwell to plan ahead as bed rest is common after this procedure.

She completed all 25 episodes of the first season in just three days. As the season came to a close, she immediately began season two, devastated that many died in the crash, but also thrilled about the large number of survivors. “I was getting ready to call for help for the poor survivors but I knew there were still five seasons to go so I’m sure they get rescued or they wouldn’t put this on TV,” Aimwell told us.

Aimwell watched season two in just two days and was just in shock that nobody had come to rescue these unfortunate victims of Oceanic flight 815. She was so impressed with the way the survivors had adapted to the island and their ability to divvy up a limited supply of food. Knowing there were still four seasons to go, she could not wait any longer and told her mother that she was going to do something about this.

“I called the police but they hung up on me,” Aimwell proclaimed. “I figured since the accident was out of Wisner, LA, they had no jurisdiction so I went online to try to call Oceanic [airlines] but I could not find a phone number so I called American Airlines instead.”

With the police and American Airlines unable to help Aimwell, she asked her mother for advice. “I explained to her over and over again that LOST is just a television program but she just yelled at me and said she knows that. I told her it’s not real and they are just actors,” Aimwell’s mother, Lucy said. “She just wouldn’t listen and I didn’t know what to do.”

Since the survivors were even unsure of their exact location, Aimwell knew she would be unable to track them down but she would not give up. “I figured the best thing to do for now was just watch season three,” she supposed. Season three frightened the seventeen year old more than any other season knowing all about what the others were capable of. “I was just like so insanely worried about Jack and Kate! I mean, what if something happens to them?”

Aimwell’s mother finally convinced her daughter to watch all six seasons before continuing her rescuing rampage. Aimwell did not leave her room for the next 36 hours, watching the final three seasons straight through. “I was more confused than school,” Aimwell said. What we think she meant by that was that the ending of LOST confused her more than school confuses her. “I am not really sure how they got rescued but at least they all went to church together in the end! I just think it would have been nice if they showed how they got rescued,” Aimwell told us.

Her mother did never get her point across that LOST was not a reality show, but was pleased her daughter gave up in attempting her own rescue mission for those ill-fated survivors. Aimwell finally said “I can’t believe those people really went through all that. I wonder what happened to the dog.”