Ashton Kutcher Had a Good Night Sleep

Hollywood, CA – As the first season of Two and a Half Men featuring Ashton Kutcher continues, Kutcher basks in his success.  “Whatever I do turns out awesome,” Kutcher told us.  The latest season [9] of Two and a Half Men has been a joy for Ashton Kutcher as he continues his career in television in more than just Nikon commercials.  “It was just constant filming.  The show is about 22 minutes long, about 20 or 21 minutes longer than the commercials so the filming exhausted me – especially when we would party after.”

Kutcher read the script and thought this was a great idea for a new TV show.  “[During filming] I was up early in the morning.  I went to bed late at night. You watch the show and you will notice the last few episodes of the season, I’m almost not myself.  I was tired,” Kutcher told us. 

It was only four days after the camera was turned off and the final episode was completed, that Kutcher finally has a good night sleep.  “It was really incredible.  I went to bed around 7:30 [pm] and woke up at about 3:15 the next afternoon.  It was a good 8 hours of sleep,” Kutcher exclaimed.

He may need to work on his math skills as it was closer to 20 hours of sleep.  Even though, Two and a Half Men is declining with its new lead actor, Kutcher’s slumber time is on the incline.  If we’re lucky, CBS will pay Sheen the extra cash and bring him back to life for season 10.  

Movers Fit Couch through Doorway

Carlton, MN – UMove, a local moving company was able to fit a Dawson Cool Sofa with faux leather down two flights of stairs with only a tiny knick on the side of the leg of the couch.  “The people we had bought the house from left that couch up there.  I wasn’t sure if it would make it down,” said homeowner, Cliff Rudd.  “It’s a great couch.  I would have hated to let it go,” he added.

“When they called and scheduled for us to come, they said there was just one little thing up there [on the 3^rd floor], they didn’t tell us it was a couch that seats three,” said Phil Clifton, owner of UMove. 

The couch actually made it through three doorways to get it out of the home.  There was one out of the third floor room to the stairway, one from the first floor stairway to the hall, and one out of the home to the outside world. 

“That final doorway took several turns of the couch to get it out but we couldn’t get that close and not deliver.  The only challenge now might be getting it into the new house,” Clifton added. 

The Rudd family is very confident that the couch will fit into the new home after UMove was able to get it out of the old.  If not, keep your eyes open for a free couch on the curb!

Car Makes it 37 Miles to Gas Station

Tuscon, AZ – Miles Whalen was heading North on I-10 heading toward Phoenix when he missed exit 12.  “I was changing a song on my iPod so I missed the exit,” Whalen said.  “I knew I needed gas but it was just after the exit that my gas light came on,” he added.

The 2006 Dodge Charger that he was driving is known to get approximately 24 miles per gallon on the highway.  With the gas-light on and the next nearest gas station 37 miles away, Whalen needed a miracle.  He decided to incorporate the vehicles cruise control feature in attempt to increase gas mileage production.  He also turned off his music and his air conditioner. 

“For some reason, I didn’t have my AAA card either!  It was scary, man.  It was scary,” Whalen added.  As his travels continued, he veered off the next exit, 34 miles down the road, with his car still running. “I swear it [the gas tank] was below empty.  It reminded me of the parting of the Red Sea, a miracle!” Whalen proclaimed.   

Whatever it was that helped Whalen gain those extra 13 miles to the gas station without stalling, he and whatever family member or friend he would have called to help him, can be thankful. 

Update – After Dodge became aware of this story, it turns out this was not a miracle whatsoever, but in fact, it was an issue with the 2006 Charger.  A recall on the 2006 Dodge Charger fuel gauge is in effect.  It turns out Whalen had plenty of miles to go before he actually needed to get gas and was not even close to running out.  Again, this was not a miracle and in fact was solely a mechanical difficulty in his vehicle.  

      Actual Picture of Whalen's Gas Guage

Bank Robber Donates Stolen Money to Local Charities

San Fransisco, CA – After three successful robberies, Jerry Polham, 32, admitted that he was responsible for the damage.  Months of searching led police nowhere close to the discovery that Polham, a high school art teacher was responsible.  “We have been looking for whoever had been doing this since November [2011].  It’s a blessing to see that our hard work has finally paid off,” spoke Officer James of the SFPD. 

A total of 58.3 million dollars was missing from the three banks but as the investigation continued, other than his confession, there was no evidence that Polham was guilty, or even had anything to do with the crime.  His bank account had only normal changes within the past three months; grocery bills, his usually bi-weekly paycheck from Marina Middle School, a few clothing purchases, etc. A deep search of his one bedroom apartment led to no findings of any cash of any kind either.  In an interview with Jerry Polham, he shocked the world.

“Jerry, you admitted to robbing three banks and stealing 58.3 million dollars.  Where is the money?” Polham was asked by Detective Rheinhold.

“Freedom from Hunger, Unicef, American Heart Association, and the American Cancer Society. Do I get a reward?” 

The 32 year old had robbed three banks and donated all of the money to charity.  “I wanted to split it up and give the money to several charities rather than just one,” Polham said.  “I auditioned to be on ‘Deal or No Deal’ but I didn’t make the cut so I was running out of ways to get the money.”

Stephen Baker of the Freedom from Hunger campaign was willing to comment on this criminal generosity; “We had been receiving great anonymous checks for a few weeks and we didn’t think twice!  We have decided we’ll give twenty bucks back to each bank that was stolen from.”

Unfortunately, all of the stolen money will have to be returned to the banks and Polham will have a hearing scheduled in early March.  The American Heart Association had spent approximately $7,000 from the donation on creating a new CPR technique and the banks have agreed to call it a donation.

Talking Sea Lion Found on Pier 39

San Francisco, CA – Spotting a sea lion on Pier 39 is not an unusual site but what passerby’s witnessed last Sunday afternoon was a site for sore eyes.  This sea lion stood out slightly more than the others.  A local passerby described what he saw; “It was insane! He was talking and doing a one-man show…or a one ‘sea-lion’ show.  I felt like I was in a kid’s movie.” 

The sea lion was about 20 feet from where the pier meets the water by the corner of the pier.  Another spectator described what she saw; “he was singing while juggling fish.  I don’t really know what he was singing but it was really good…had a deep voice.” 

A marine biology student, Susan Stein, from San Francisco State University gave her best estimate that it was a green sunfish that the sea lion was juggling.  She also predicted that despite the sea lion’s deep tone, she was female. 

While our sea lion friend had no sea lion spectators, she was certainly bombarded with humans surrounding her act.  She even promised that she would be back next Sunday at 1:00 pm with CD’s for sale.