Hand Sanitizer Now Kills 100.00% of Germs

Akron, Ohio – Since 1996, GOJO Industries has been producing Purell hand sanitizer that kills 99.99% of germs.  As effective as that is, people are still getting sick.  Killing 99.99% can only do so much when we still have .01% of germs crawling around our bodies, infecting us in every which way. 

Let’s use a scenario to describe this - you sneeze into your hands before cleaning them with Purell.  Then you go to a job interview and shake your potential future boss’s hand.  If you had one million germs on your hand before you used Purell, after killing 99.99%, you still have 100 germs on you.  You will be infecting your future boss, guaranteed. 

GOJO has solved the problem.

Released earlier this week was a new hand sanitizer that kills 100.00% of germs.  This is a new revelation toward science and health.  Joe Kanfer, CEO of GOJO Industries believes this will help prevent illness across the country and eventually the world; “this could be the solution to the problem.  Think about it.  Before you still had bacteria on your hands but now you won’t.  You will have 0.00% of germs remaining on your hands.”

If other hand sanitizer-producing companies will be able to reproduce this magical way of science remains a mystery for now.

GOJO did not even stop there.  At an inside look we got in the factory, we were given a sneak peak on a new foot sanitizing spray that will eliminate 100.00% of stinky feet smell. 

Hungry Man Eats Sandwich

Tuckahoe, VA – On Sunday afternoon around 3:00pm EST, James Dilwyn was feeling a little hungry.  He did what many people would do in this situation – he ate a sandwich.  Dilwyn described this sandwich as “not just any sandwich.”  He continued with “this sandwich was one of a kind.  I don’t even think I could recreate this sandwich.”

“Well time kind of just flew by.  I ate breakfast around 8:00 that morning and just forgot to eat lunch so by the time 3:00 came around, I was really hungry.”  Dilwyn also told us he usually eats lunch closer to noon and never any later than 1:00. 

He did not want this one of a kind sandwich kept a secret either.  We were provided with a detailed description; “Once I decided that what I was going to eat was going to be a sandwich, I took out two slices of white bread.  Wonder bread to be exact.  It really doesn’t matter what the brand of the white bread is.  Next I just had to decide what I wanted to go in between these slices.  I was going to put some turkey in there but I had finished my turkey last night.  I opened my refrigerator and took out my Welch’s grape jelly.  I then lathered one slice of bread with the jelly.  This wasn’t just a jelly sandwich, my friend.  Here’s the twist.  I went back in the fridge and took out some Jif peanut butter and put peanut butter on the other slice of bread.  I then combined the two slices into sandwich form and ate it.”

Dilwyn continued to explain again that his experience was one of a kind and it was something he will never forget; “I was actually not full from the sandwich so I ate a banana after.”

Dunkin' Donuts Serves Coffee Flavored Tea

Canton, MA - Dunkin' Donuts has announced they are now serving coffee flavored tea.  “New England loves Dunkin coffee and now we have something that the tea drinkers can really enjoy,” said CEO Nigel Travis. 

Starting today this coffee flavored tea will be served either hot or cold in your favorite flavors of coffee, such as French Vanilla, Hazelnut, or even Caramel.  Travis continued to tell us “we are thinking of adding tea flavored coffee in all your favorite flavored teas as well.  Come on down today and get yourself a Blueberry flavored coffee flavored tea.”

Car Runs On Whole Milk

Appleton, WI – A brand new car company, Mizola, has announced today that their first line of cars will operate on milk, as opposed to gasoline.  They will be releasing three automobiles in the fall of 2011, the Fluenza (starting at $16,995), the Carizard (starting at $22,995), and the Happy Cow (starting at $29,995).

The Fluenza, Carizard, and Happy Cow will be running on skim, 2%, and whole milk respectively.  More detailed specifications about the vehicles will be released by Mizola within the next few weeks; however, we did get to speak with the founder and C.E.O., Dr. James Derwin, about these milk powered cars.

“The idea of alternative fueled cars began with us in 2006 when gas prices began to rise.  My crew and I worked on all sorts of different potential fuels such as mayonnaise, grass, and olive oil, to name a few.  Some fuels were more pricey than gas, some didn’t work, and some didn’t work well,” Dr. Derwin told us. 

We were curious how he ended up with milk; “one day after filling up the car I had with gas, I went inside the gas station to pick up some milk at $2.59 a gallon, thirty cents less per gallon than my gas was.  I brought the idea back to my crew and two years later, kaboom – milk powered cars,” Dr. Derwin responded. 

Dr. Derwin did also tell us that the Fluenza is expected to get 48 miles per gallon of milk on the highway and that the Carizard and the Happy Cow are only expected to get more.  Not only are these vehicles expected to be great on milk, but we are ensured quality performance and very stylish vehicles as well.  Continue to check with Mizola for updated information.

Traffic Light Turns Green For Frustrated Driver

Boston, MA – At approximately 3:52pm yesterday afternoon, the traffic light on the corner of Newbury Street and Gloucester Street turned green after several minutes of patience from driver, Jim Gallagher.  “I had approached the last three lights in a row red and it was like they never turned green.  I was sitting there forever and it was just so frustrating,” says Gallagher.  “Then, finally this one did!” 

Gallagher was heading away from Boston towards P & J Bait Shop on Dorchester Avenue.  “I was gonna go a fishin’,” Gallagher said.  It was estimated that this light turning green saved Gallagher roughly 37 seconds in his travels.

“Well, at the fishin’ store, I got a real good parkin’ space.  Who knows…that space may have been taken if that light had been stayin’ red for longer,” Gallagher exclaimed.  “That awesome parking spot also saved me time.  If I had parked farther away, it would have taken much, much longer to get inside.”

It has also been reported that there are several potholes in the parking lot of P & J Bait shop beyond where Gallagher had been parked.  Had he been forced to park elsewhere, it is likely that he may have gotten a flat tire, run out of gas, or even tripped while walking into the store.