Donald Trump Running For President Was Elaborate April Fools Prank

Washington D.C.  -  The idea had begun on April Fools Day back in 2014. [Donald] Trump and [Hillary] Clinton were out to breakfast at their local favorite, the Blue Duck Tavern. In an exclusive interview with Donald Trump, he explained what happened next.

Trump explained "Hil [lary Clinton] said to me that there's no way I could beat her in the next presedential election. I told her I wouldn't run against her anyway - she's my little buddy. As I got closer to finishing my second raspberry waffle, the friendly compettion began heating up and we decided there was no reason not to try and settle the argument of who would beat who in the 2016 election. I figured once people catch on that the idea of me running for president must be a joke, we would just admit that it was a hilarious April Fools Prank I'd reveal on my TV show "The Plentiful Madness" that was originally supposed to debut last October."

Later in the interview, Trump told us that the loser of the bet [the presidential election] would owe the winner a Chipotle burrito with extra meat. "A while passed and I actually started getting supporters and winning primaries. We've got a lot of video footage of all of my supporters and we're currently putting together a Truman Show-like movie based on the lives my supporters have been living the past couple years," Trump told us.

Trump did think about actually continuing past April 1, 2016 to finish the bet and see if he could take home the burrito, but being President for the next 4 years was "probably going to be a lot of work," Trump exclaimed. "After Chipotle's whole fiasco with the e-coli, they sent me a coupon in the mail for a free burrito, and that made me realize that actually going through the next four years of presidency was not worth having Hillary buy me one," Trump concluded the interview with.

Well there you have it, folks. I think a lot of us saw this coming. It was also reported to us that all of the votes Trump has received from his primary will be split between Cruz and Kasich based on the results of a several games of Duck-Duck-Goose.

Costco Sells Items in Larger Quantities

Issaquah, Washington  -  Costco, the second largest retailer in the world has taken yet another step to jump ahead of competitors such as BJ's and Sam's Club. Last Thursday, to attract more customers, Costco announced that they will be selling items in larger quantities.

Costco is already known to be a place to stock up on the largest packages of sardines, toilet paper, peanuts, olive oil, or anything else you can think of. But now, they have gone above and beyond to provide the consumer with even more.

Founder James Sinegal told us that "if I were a customer, I wouldn't want to get a 35-pack of water - no! I would want to be able to go to my local Costco store and have the opportunity to purchase a 45-pack; 35 is just not enough."

When asked what else will be available in larger quantities, he made it clear that he wants the consumer to find out for themselves at the stores, however, he did tell us that you can get a 168oz container of chocolate covered almonds, 2 gallon cartons of milk, and vacuums that about 1.5 times the size of normal sized vacuums. "The vacuums will work just the same as normal vacuums, but they are bigger," Sinegal reported.

Membership prices will be doubled, however, the new membership cards will be larger as well. It is hard to imagine customers bothering to sign up for memberships at BJ's or Sam's Club when Costco will be offering items for sale in larger quantities than the competitors.

Joe Buck Retires

New York, NY - It has been long awaited by many and the day has finally come. Joe Buck has announced his retirement from the broadcast booth in both baseball and football. It has been about 20 years that fans have been forced to listen to the same voice while watching baseball and football games on Fox. This day has been long awaited and has finally come.

Buck, in an interview reported the following: "After reading the social media comments over the last couple World Series', I finally realized that people just don't like me very much and that I make the experience more annoying rather than enjoyable for fans. I really tried to come at my broadcasting objectively but let's be honest - I like the Yankees, big home run sluggers, and watching the Bachelorette."

Fox Sports will begin interviews next week in search for a new broadcaster to call it's football and baseball games beginning for the 2016 MLB season.

We can only hope Cris Collinsworth follows suit.

Bob Barker Apologizes to Happy Gilmore

        After falling to 45th place in the Pro Golf Tour, Bob Barker could not take it anymore with Happy Gilmore and began taking his frustrations with the golfer out on him in the middle of the tournament. After the initial altercation, this led to Gilmore falling to dead last place. Conflict between the two continued, leading to an all out physical fight between Happy Gilmore and his celebrity caddie, Bob Barker. Gilmore's favorite sport, of course was hockey and Barker insulted Gilmore stating "I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar. There is no way you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf." Next, Happy took the first shot at Barker by punching him in the face. What took Happy Gilmore by surprise was that Barker got right back up and ended up demolishing him in a full-on fist fight. 　　
     
        Eighteen years later, Bob Barker has announced that he was wrong in insulting the rookie golfer. "It was my fault. I instigated the fight by insulting him. It was only his first time in the Pro Golf Tour. I was just trying to get him going. My father used to do that to me when I would struggle in bowling. I was hoping it would work with Happy," Barker told us last Thursday evening. "I never meant for it to turn into a fight but once he took the first shot, my emotions really got the best of me."
     
        Gilmore, of course did end up coming back and winning the Pro Golf Tour that year (1996) but has not golfed since. Barker also told us that he is proud of Happy for winning that tournament and would like to congratulate him and hopes there are no hard feelings.

NEW Articles Will Be Coming Soon!

Yes, it has been about a year since we've had any good news, but we are definitely due. Some good news is on its way within the next month! Stay tuned!

Jacksonville Jaguars Still Trying To Win

Jacksonville Jaguars Still Trying To Win Jacksonville, FL - After an 0-8 start, the Jacksonville Jaguars are still trying to win football games, according to sources. Some fans were questioning this after a 32 point loss on Sunday to the 49ers. "A positive note from the game is that we scored double digit points, so we'll definitely take that into next week," said RB Maurice Jones-Drew.

Next weekend the Jaguars take on the Tennessee Titans (3-4) and are going to do their best. "We're definitely going to try to do our best. We don't know how good that will be but like I said, we will try - I hope," said Titans head coach Mike Munchak.

The Titans discussed their best options to find their first win.

Option 1: Injure the best players on the opponents team. The Titans could use their worst bench players to injure the best players on the opposing team early in the first quarter. This would give them a slight advantage, however, who will be willing to be the sacrificial lamb?

Option 2: Switch teams with the Jacksonville University Dolphins. The Dolphins are 4-4 this season at their division 1 collegiate level. It is possible that the Dolphins (who have actually won this season) would be willing to throw their season to benefit the Jacksonville NFL team by swapping their entire team with the Jaguars. If the Dolphins did this, they would most likely lose their following 3 games to Marist, Mercer, and Stetson. The Jaguars have 8 games left on their schedule. If they did the swap, hopefully the new Jaguar team could match how they did at the collegiate level and earn at least 4 wins in their final 8 games.

Option 3: Change their mind and go for the number one draft pick. If the Jaguars change their mind about still trying to win a game, that might be their best bet. If they can successfully finish their season, a ghastly 0-16, they will most likely earn the first draft pick next season (unless the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are thinking the same thing).

On a positive note for Miami Dolphins fans, they are the best Florida NFL team. Congratulations.

Nokia Admits 41MP Camera Phone Has Too Many Megapixels

Espoo, Finland - The Nokia Lumia 1020 Smartphone was released in July 2013 with a 41 megapixel camera. The second largest mainstream smartphone available in the U.S. is equipped with a standard 13mp camera, which is quite large for a cell phone as it is.

Three months after its release, Nokia finally admits that they used too many megapixels. "Yes, we went a little overboard. Forty-one is probably too many megapixels. Not really sure what we were thinking," said Nokia's CEO, Risto Siilasmaa. "A bunch of us got together actually after work one night and we had a few drinks."

Nokia hopes people will find this feature fascinating and lead them toward their purchase of their next smartphone. "If not, we understand," said Siilasmaa.

Sharks Play Water Polo With Beach Goers

Falmouth, MA  -  A shark siting last weekend surprised just about everyone at a local beach on a beautiful September Sunday afternoon in the Cape. The first to site the shark was U.S. Olympic water polo champion, Jane Stevens from West Falmouth.

"I had never seen a shark before. I had just got in the water and I saw the fin. I wasn't deep in the water but I bolted out and shouted to everyone around," Stevens reported. "This is the last weekend the lifeguards are there so I let them know what what I saw"

What happened next shocked everyone at the beach even more than just spotting a shark. We had a few words with the lifeguard about what happened next. "Jane [Stevens] told me about the shark. I spotted him [the shark] and I saw the strangest thing. It looked like the shark was holding some kind of ball as it was swimming toward the shore," head lifeguard Bill Kalfman said.

There were a total of seven sharks swimming toward the shore; one carrying a ball and two carrying goals. Within seconds after all beach goers were out of the water, the sharks had set up a water polo game and they wanted to challenge Jane Stevens and several other beach goers to a friendly match.

"It was so much fun! The competition was't quite like the Olympics but those sharks have a lot of potential," said Stevens.

The humans played seven games total against the sharks, defeating the sharks in four of the seven games. Three more games were played  in which the sharks and humans split up the teams and played together.

The sharks were slightly disappointed they waited til September to challenge the humans to water polo. "We wanted to play all summer but we were too shy to ask [the humans to play] any earlier in the summer. We know they stop coming to the beach soon but we hope they'll play with us more next summer," said Jerry, one of the sharks.

Purell Releases Sweaty Palm Remover in Late Spring

Akron, OH  -  GOJO Industries, the company that makes Purell - the company widely trusted for sanitation of our hands has done it again. In early May, just in time for summer, GOJO will be releasing an all new product, sweaty palm remover, that will come in sizes ranging from 3 oz portable bottles all the way to large 3 2oz bottles you can use in the workplace.  

"There's nothing worse than trying to grip something and having my hand be all sweaty.  It will be much easier to open pickle jars," says a local resident.  This local resident has certainly said it right.  

"I will now be able to hold my boyfriend's hand without being self-conscious," says Jenn Reinstein.  "I would always get so embarrassed holding his hand with my sweaty palms - now I won't!" she added.

We understand that the consumer will be able to squeeze just a little bit of sweaty palm remover onto their hands and rub it around just like with the sanitizer and it will keep your hands sweat-free til you wash them next or for 12 hours (whatever comes first).  

Side effects may include but are not limited to nausea, headaches, dizziness, blurred vision, fatigue, dry mouth, diarrhea, constipation, stomach pain, fever, hair loss, weight loss, impotence, difficulty urinating, pain or burning during urination, uneven heartbeats, feeling of extreme depression, dangerously high blood pressure, seizure, or stroke.

Sun Decides To Shine Longer

Boston, MA – As there are only 33 days til daylight savings time, an unusual weather event occurred yesterday.  Sunrise came at normal time as expected. Sunset, however, ran behind schedule by about 4 hours!  Sunset was schedule for 5:03pm but shocked scientists everywhere by not beginning to set until 9:12pm. 

We brought in meteorologist, Dana Wrane to attempt to explain the situation.  “Well there really is no justifiable explanation for what has happened, however, we do have several hypotheses on the matter.  For starters, it is possible the sun and the moon got together to play a prank on the world.  It is not taught in schools; however, research has proved that the sun and moon have an excellent sense of humor.  It is also possible that the sun was getting a little jealous of the moon.  As we know, when daylight savings time ends, those in the U.S. get to see the moon for longer periods of time than the sun.  The sun could have been getting impatient and didn't want to wait until March 10^th to begin shining longer and therefore decided to shine longer sooner.”

It appears that someone needs to question meteorologist, Dana Wrane’s education on meteorology, as none of his explanations make any sense.  We also interviewed several local residents about the extra sunshine.

“I have no idea how it happened, but I love it!  I got to spend extra time outside today on my garden,” said Barbara Jackson.

“I think it’s a blessing that this happened.  It’s a miracle!” spoke Erica Blake of South Boston, MA. 

Will the sun shine longer tonight?  Write your opinions in the comments section below!

Geometry Comes Easy to Struggling Math Student

Guilford, PA – Sixth grader, Julien McKenzie has advanced through his years of elementary school with little help from his math skills.  English and social studies have been a breeze but since the beginning, multiplication, division, and algebra have always been very tough for McKenzie.  Passing school on just a thread, 6^th grade has become a blessing for this young man. 

“I love geometry.  I can’t believe it’s really math,” McKenzie reported.  In an interview with Julien McKenzie’s teacher, Ms. Cranberry, she told us at the mid-term, Julien has a 94% in the class, equaling an A. 

“The highest grade he’s ever gotten in a math class so far is a D+,” Marla McKenzie, Julien’s mother, stated.  “When he told me he got an A on his first math test, I sent him to his room for lying to his mother.  He even asked me for a protractor for his birthday” 

It looks like young Julien McKenzie will be moving onto the 7^th grade – as long as he can keep up a C+ average in phys ed.

Man Makes it to Bathroom On Time

Oklahoma City, OK – To kick off the New Year, James Brody made it 7 miles on his ride home from work while he “really had to go.”  “It was bad but I didn’t realize it ‘til I got in the car.  It just got worse and worse on the car ride home,” Brody reported.

Brody did not get into details of what is bathroom movement involved but he called it an "emergency."  A local witness reported that when Brody sprinted from his car to his front door, he dropped his keys in his first attempt to open the door. “Yes, I did drop my keys.  My neighbor was accurate,” Brody admitted.  “It was so difficult to get that door open, let me tell you.”

The story was originally discovered on twitter when a tweet from @DidThatJustHappen tweeted “whoaaa just saw some dude sprint to his house and take a massive sh$% through his bathroom window #gross #thatwasmyneighborjamesbrody.”  Yes, that did just happen.

“Closing my shade in the bathroom was another thing I really just didn’t have time to think about,” Brody exclaimed as he was beginning to express anger and embarrassment.  As time came to tell, all it could have taken was one more red stoplight to completely change the outcome of Brody’s day, week, or even his life.  Now that’s good news.  

Teens Throw Cotton Balls Instead of Eggs at House

Salem, MA – A city that is known to be famous on Halloween hits the papers for a different reason.  Trick or treater’s took the streets as usual and candy was given out.  The night did not conclude without houses being egged and trees being teepeed.

Some local teens were caught around 11pm on Halloween night outside of a house on Cherry St.  “It looked like they were egging the house,” said officer King.  The teens were released immediately when the officer discovered they were using cotton balls instead of eggs.

“Technically they were trespassing and littering, but considering it was Halloween and they were actually throwing cotton balls instead of eggs to egg a house, I just let them carry on,” officer King continued.

The four teens had to stand within 3 feet of the house; otherwise the cotton balls would not hit the house.  Scientists state that with their arm velocity and body mechanics, they would have been able to stand 63 feet and 8 inches away from the house if they had been using eggs.

The homeowners (who have chosen to be kept private) were not awoken by the sound of the cotton balls against their home.  They were pleased eggs were not involved but have requested that the cotton ballers come back to clean up the mess before their dog, Avery, chokes on them.

North Face Discontinues Men’s Spandex

After an extensive pro/con list, it’s official: North Face has decided to stop making men’s lower extremity spandex.  “We weighed out the positives and negatives before making this decision.  We went over the number of answers on each list and the quality of our reasoning behind it.  It was unanimous,” Kenneth Klopp, founder of North Face said.

The pro/con list was kept private; however, we can only imagine what is on that list.  “We feel that it is a decision that will make men [and women] happier across the country [and world],” Klopp added in. 

Klopp is definitely correct. No one wants to see men in spandex running down the street.  North Face is in the process of discontinuing men’s short-shorts as well.  

Repairman Finds Hammer

Carlsbad, New Mexico – A local repairman from Harris and Sons Co Inc ™ arrived at a job on Sunday afternoon to repair some shudders.  Panic set in upon arrival as Louis Harris realized he did not have his hammer.  “The primary tool that I needed to use to fix these shudders was my hammer,” Harris exclaimed.  “There were some nails that needed to be hammered.”

Harris told us that his company believes it is unethical to ask his customer if he can borrow a hammer, but he decided to do it anyways.  “He came in our house and asked to borrow our hammer.  I was kind of surprised he didn't have his own,” Gloria Peterson told us regarding Harris’ unethical decision. “Unfortunately, I don’t own one.”

Harris went along and began his projected completing as much as he could without the assistance of his hammer.  “I called my brother and asked if he could bring me one but he was fixing someone’s toilet,” Harris said.

After completing all he could without his hammer, Harris checked his bag one more time. “It had been in my bag all along.  Somehow I missed it.” 

All it took was a double-checking of his bag to realize he had his hammer all along.  Not only was Harris so relieved to have his hammer, he repaired all ten shudders on the house.  After his job was complete, he hammered 47 nails into an extra piece of wood just for fun.

Chucky Doll Comes to Life & Helps with Household Chores

Hardin, MT – In a small, normally quiet home on 4^th St W, an unusual event had occurred.  After watching Child’s Play 3 last night, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson were woken up at approximately 4 this morning when they heard sounds coming from the kitchen.

“It sounded like the water was running and the vacuum was on.  I don’t know, maybe some power tools.  It woke us up!,” Mr. Robinson exclaimed.  “My wife and I woke up and I went downstairs with my tennis racquet.”

With his tennis racquet in hand ready to strike the intruder, Mr. Robinson was shocked to find what he did.  “Our Chucky doll was cleaning our dishes from the night before.  The floor looked polished, the table was set.  I couldn’t believe it,” stated Mr. Robinson.  “Then he said to me ‘I am sorry, did I wake you?’  I was relieved there was no intruder but it was hard to believe that my Chucky doll came to life.  And was cleaning the house too”

“We have been huge fans of the Chucky movies and periodically watch them.  Our Chucky doll had been in our guest bedroom,” Mrs. Robinson reported.

Chucky, who has been an evil villain in his movies is actually an extremely generous and helpful doll.  We were lucky enough to have some words with him.

Q: What made you decide to clean the Robinson’s house?

A: I knew they watched my movie last night and I didn’t want them to think that I really was an evil character.  I had been sitting still since I was purchased and I thought it was time for some change.

Q: Do you expect any compensation for your work?

A: I am not in need of any.  I am a toy doll.

Q: Do you see these chores as becoming a weekly or even daily task for you?

A: I don’t see why not.

Mr. and Mrs. Robinson are hoping that if and when Chucky performs household chores again, it is not at 4 in the morning.

Man With Small Hands Buys Small Doorknobs

Greeneville, AL – It has been three years that Eric Hanson has been living in his current home.  It has been his whole life that he has been living with his tiny hands.  Last Tuesday, Hanson came up with an idea that will change his life forever.           

“Yes, it was Tuesday.  I came home from work and finally realized that I don’t need to keep putting up with these huge, normal sized doorknobs when I have such small hands,” Hanson stated.  “It just hit me – I decided to get some smaller doorknobs.”

It took the 43 year old a few years longer than it should have to come up with this idea but the important part is that he did.  “I have had trouble for years getting doors open.  I think I’m going to start buying small jars of jam too.”  

What a feel-good story to report.  Hanson is hoping his story will inspire other men and women with small hands to also look into installing smaller doorknobs for their homes.

Apple Releases New iPhone 4C

Cupertino, CA - Apple has just released its latest iPhone that comes standard with a crack in the screen.  Apple’s CEO states the distinct feature of this new model is that “no two cracks will be the same.”  The crack on your iPhone 4C will not match the crack on your friend’s iPhone 4C. “It is all about the element of surprise of what your crack is going to look like and where on the screen it is going to be,” said Apple’s CEO.

            Apple is hoping this new model will decrease frustration among iPhone users who have created their own cracks in the screen. “If customer’s already have a crack in their screen when they purchase their iPhone, it certainly won’t be as upsetting after they drop their phone and it cracks…cause it will already be cracked,” Apple’s CEO explained.

        The new model will be available by Winter 2012.  Pre-orders are available on September 25, 2012

Ashton Kutcher Had a Good Night Sleep

Hollywood, CA – As the first season of Two and a Half Men featuring Ashton Kutcher continues, Kutcher basks in his success.  “Whatever I do turns out awesome,” Kutcher told us.  The latest season [9] of Two and a Half Men has been a joy for Ashton Kutcher as he continues his career in television in more than just Nikon commercials.  “It was just constant filming.  The show is about 22 minutes long, about 20 or 21 minutes longer than the commercials so the filming exhausted me – especially when we would party after.”

Kutcher read the script and thought this was a great idea for a new TV show.  “[During filming] I was up early in the morning.  I went to bed late at night. You watch the show and you will notice the last few episodes of the season, I’m almost not myself.  I was tired,” Kutcher told us. 

It was only four days after the camera was turned off and the final episode was completed, that Kutcher finally has a good night sleep.  “It was really incredible.  I went to bed around 7:30 [pm] and woke up at about 3:15 the next afternoon.  It was a good 8 hours of sleep,” Kutcher exclaimed.

He may need to work on his math skills as it was closer to 20 hours of sleep.  Even though, Two and a Half Men is declining with its new lead actor, Kutcher’s slumber time is on the incline.  If we’re lucky, CBS will pay Sheen the extra cash and bring him back to life for season 10.  

Movers Fit Couch through Doorway

Carlton, MN – UMove, a local moving company was able to fit a Dawson Cool Sofa with faux leather down two flights of stairs with only a tiny knick on the side of the leg of the couch.  “The people we had bought the house from left that couch up there.  I wasn’t sure if it would make it down,” said homeowner, Cliff Rudd.  “It’s a great couch.  I would have hated to let it go,” he added.

“When they called and scheduled for us to come, they said there was just one little thing up there [on the 3^rd floor], they didn’t tell us it was a couch that seats three,” said Phil Clifton, owner of UMove. 

The couch actually made it through three doorways to get it out of the home.  There was one out of the third floor room to the stairway, one from the first floor stairway to the hall, and one out of the home to the outside world. 

“That final doorway took several turns of the couch to get it out but we couldn’t get that close and not deliver.  The only challenge now might be getting it into the new house,” Clifton added. 

The Rudd family is very confident that the couch will fit into the new home after UMove was able to get it out of the old.  If not, keep your eyes open for a free couch on the curb!