Jacksonville Jaguars Still Trying To Win

Jacksonville Jaguars Still Trying To Win Jacksonville, FL - After an 0-8 start, the Jacksonville Jaguars are still trying to win football games, according to sources. Some fans were questioning this after a 32 point loss on Sunday to the 49ers. "A positive note from the game is that we scored double digit points, so we'll definitely take that into next week," said RB Maurice Jones-Drew.

Next weekend the Jaguars take on the Tennessee Titans (3-4) and are going to do their best. "We're definitely going to try to do our best. We don't know how good that will be but like I said, we will try - I hope," said Titans head coach Mike Munchak.

The Titans discussed their best options to find their first win.

Option 1: Injure the best players on the opponents team. The Titans could use their worst bench players to injure the best players on the opposing team early in the first quarter. This would give them a slight advantage, however, who will be willing to be the sacrificial lamb?

Option 2: Switch teams with the Jacksonville University Dolphins. The Dolphins are 4-4 this season at their division 1 collegiate level. It is possible that the Dolphins (who have actually won this season) would be willing to throw their season to benefit the Jacksonville NFL team by swapping their entire team with the Jaguars. If the Dolphins did this, they would most likely lose their following 3 games to Marist, Mercer, and Stetson. The Jaguars have 8 games left on their schedule. If they did the swap, hopefully the new Jaguar team could match how they did at the collegiate level and earn at least 4 wins in their final 8 games.

Option 3: Change their mind and go for the number one draft pick. If the Jaguars change their mind about still trying to win a game, that might be their best bet. If they can successfully finish their season, a ghastly 0-16, they will most likely earn the first draft pick next season (unless the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are thinking the same thing).

On a positive note for Miami Dolphins fans, they are the best Florida NFL team. Congratulations.

Nokia Admits 41MP Camera Phone Has Too Many Megapixels

Espoo, Finland - The Nokia Lumia 1020 Smartphone was released in July 2013 with a 41 megapixel camera. The second largest mainstream smartphone available in the U.S. is equipped with a standard 13mp camera, which is quite large for a cell phone as it is.

Three months after its release, Nokia finally admits that they used too many megapixels. "Yes, we went a little overboard. Forty-one is probably too many megapixels. Not really sure what we were thinking," said Nokia's CEO, Risto Siilasmaa. "A bunch of us got together actually after work one night and we had a few drinks."

Nokia hopes people will find this feature fascinating and lead them toward their purchase of their next smartphone. "If not, we understand," said Siilasmaa.

Sharks Play Water Polo With Beach Goers

Falmouth, MA  -  A shark siting last weekend surprised just about everyone at a local beach on a beautiful September Sunday afternoon in the Cape. The first to site the shark was U.S. Olympic water polo champion, Jane Stevens from West Falmouth.

"I had never seen a shark before. I had just got in the water and I saw the fin. I wasn't deep in the water but I bolted out and shouted to everyone around," Stevens reported. "This is the last weekend the lifeguards are there so I let them know what what I saw"

What happened next shocked everyone at the beach even more than just spotting a shark. We had a few words with the lifeguard about what happened next. "Jane [Stevens] told me about the shark. I spotted him [the shark] and I saw the strangest thing. It looked like the shark was holding some kind of ball as it was swimming toward the shore," head lifeguard Bill Kalfman said.

There were a total of seven sharks swimming toward the shore; one carrying a ball and two carrying goals. Within seconds after all beach goers were out of the water, the sharks had set up a water polo game and they wanted to challenge Jane Stevens and several other beach goers to a friendly match.

"It was so much fun! The competition was't quite like the Olympics but those sharks have a lot of potential," said Stevens.

The humans played seven games total against the sharks, defeating the sharks in four of the seven games. Three more games were played  in which the sharks and humans split up the teams and played together.

The sharks were slightly disappointed they waited til September to challenge the humans to water polo. "We wanted to play all summer but we were too shy to ask [the humans to play] any earlier in the summer. We know they stop coming to the beach soon but we hope they'll play with us more next summer," said Jerry, one of the sharks.

Purell Releases Sweaty Palm Remover in Late Spring

Akron, OH  -  GOJO Industries, the company that makes Purell - the company widely trusted for sanitation of our hands has done it again. In early May, just in time for summer, GOJO will be releasing an all new product, sweaty palm remover, that will come in sizes ranging from 3 oz portable bottles all the way to large 3 2oz bottles you can use in the workplace.  

"There's nothing worse than trying to grip something and having my hand be all sweaty.  It will be much easier to open pickle jars," says a local resident.  This local resident has certainly said it right.  

"I will now be able to hold my boyfriend's hand without being self-conscious," says Jenn Reinstein.  "I would always get so embarrassed holding his hand with my sweaty palms - now I won't!" she added.

We understand that the consumer will be able to squeeze just a little bit of sweaty palm remover onto their hands and rub it around just like with the sanitizer and it will keep your hands sweat-free til you wash them next or for 12 hours (whatever comes first).  

Side effects may include but are not limited to nausea, headaches, dizziness, blurred vision, fatigue, dry mouth, diarrhea, constipation, stomach pain, fever, hair loss, weight loss, impotence, difficulty urinating, pain or burning during urination, uneven heartbeats, feeling of extreme depression, dangerously high blood pressure, seizure, or stroke.

Sun Decides To Shine Longer

Boston, MA – As there are only 33 days til daylight savings time, an unusual weather event occurred yesterday.  Sunrise came at normal time as expected. Sunset, however, ran behind schedule by about 4 hours!  Sunset was schedule for 5:03pm but shocked scientists everywhere by not beginning to set until 9:12pm. 

We brought in meteorologist, Dana Wrane to attempt to explain the situation.  “Well there really is no justifiable explanation for what has happened, however, we do have several hypotheses on the matter.  For starters, it is possible the sun and the moon got together to play a prank on the world.  It is not taught in schools; however, research has proved that the sun and moon have an excellent sense of humor.  It is also possible that the sun was getting a little jealous of the moon.  As we know, when daylight savings time ends, those in the U.S. get to see the moon for longer periods of time than the sun.  The sun could have been getting impatient and didn't want to wait until March 10^th to begin shining longer and therefore decided to shine longer sooner.”

It appears that someone needs to question meteorologist, Dana Wrane’s education on meteorology, as none of his explanations make any sense.  We also interviewed several local residents about the extra sunshine.

“I have no idea how it happened, but I love it!  I got to spend extra time outside today on my garden,” said Barbara Jackson.

“I think it’s a blessing that this happened.  It’s a miracle!” spoke Erica Blake of South Boston, MA. 

Will the sun shine longer tonight?  Write your opinions in the comments section below!

Geometry Comes Easy to Struggling Math Student

Guilford, PA – Sixth grader, Julien McKenzie has advanced through his years of elementary school with little help from his math skills.  English and social studies have been a breeze but since the beginning, multiplication, division, and algebra have always been very tough for McKenzie.  Passing school on just a thread, 6^th grade has become a blessing for this young man. 

“I love geometry.  I can’t believe it’s really math,” McKenzie reported.  In an interview with Julien McKenzie’s teacher, Ms. Cranberry, she told us at the mid-term, Julien has a 94% in the class, equaling an A. 

“The highest grade he’s ever gotten in a math class so far is a D+,” Marla McKenzie, Julien’s mother, stated.  “When he told me he got an A on his first math test, I sent him to his room for lying to his mother.  He even asked me for a protractor for his birthday” 

It looks like young Julien McKenzie will be moving onto the 7^th grade – as long as he can keep up a C+ average in phys ed.

Man Makes it to Bathroom On Time

Oklahoma City, OK – To kick off the New Year, James Brody made it 7 miles on his ride home from work while he “really had to go.”  “It was bad but I didn’t realize it ‘til I got in the car.  It just got worse and worse on the car ride home,” Brody reported.

Brody did not get into details of what is bathroom movement involved but he called it an "emergency."  A local witness reported that when Brody sprinted from his car to his front door, he dropped his keys in his first attempt to open the door. “Yes, I did drop my keys.  My neighbor was accurate,” Brody admitted.  “It was so difficult to get that door open, let me tell you.”

The story was originally discovered on twitter when a tweet from @DidThatJustHappen tweeted “whoaaa just saw some dude sprint to his house and take a massive sh$% through his bathroom window #gross #thatwasmyneighborjamesbrody.”  Yes, that did just happen.

“Closing my shade in the bathroom was another thing I really just didn’t have time to think about,” Brody exclaimed as he was beginning to express anger and embarrassment.  As time came to tell, all it could have taken was one more red stoplight to completely change the outcome of Brody’s day, week, or even his life.  Now that’s good news.