Baltimore Orioles Admit They're Just In It For Fun

Baltimore, MD - Baltimore Orioles owner, Peter Angelos finally admitted today that the team is not actually playing to win - they just want to have fun.  In an interview yesterday afternoon, Angelos claimed "we are in the same division as the Red Sox, Yankees, and Rays.  Hell, even Toronto had a good run last season."

Orioles manager, Buck Showalter, said "I had a feeling the organization was just in it for fun a few years ago when they stopped signing any good players."

Angelos continued saying "the only thing we really had going for us was Cal Ripken.  Unfortunately he decided to retire."  Had Ripken not retired and was still active in his streak, the fifty year old third baseman would be up to 4,577 straight games.  "Maybe Orioles fans would still exist and ticket sales would go to more than just tourists and Red Sox fans."

The smiling Orioles owner made his point that being in the same division as the Red Sox allows an annual increase in ticket sales so that nine times a year when Boston makes a trip to Camden Yards, the ballpark will come close to selling out.  Despite the fact that the large majority of fans are actually rooting for the opposing team is irrelevant.  "It's just fun to have a packed house," Angelos added in.  "Also, our hot dog and pretzel vendors usually show up when they [the Red Sox] come into town."

Orioles general manager, Andy MacPhail stated unless the team changes divisions, they will probably just stay in it to have fun.  He said his goal would be to have fun for five to ten more seasons and then try to switch divisions with the Indians since they're "close enough to the East coast."

T-Mobile Finally Provides Cell Phone Service

Bellevue, Washington - T-Mobile has been a cellular phone provider in Europe and the United States since 1990. With a wide variety of phones to choose from, T-Mobile has announced starting this spring [2011], they will be providing service along with their cell phones. It is hard to believe they have remained in business for over twenty years with the previous number of dropped calls and dead zones their customers complained of.

“I’ve been a T-Mobile customer for six years and I still don’t get service anywhere. I can’t wait to find out what it’s like to actually have service,” says Lynne Sheehan of Birmingham, Alabama.

CEO, Philipp Humm, officially announced that T-Mobile will be adding four towers across the country to join the lone tower currently residing in Wichita, KS, where no one gets service anyway. Here’s what he had to say; “I understand that having only one tower in the center of the country was troubling some of the folks who live in the corner of the United States like those in Seattle and especially in the upper Maine. Within a few months we will have a total of five towers across the country ranging from Rancho Palos Verdes, CA to somewhere in Maine.”

The addition of service to T-Mobile cell phones will allow customers to utilize the capabilities of their phones and do things such as make calls, send text messages, and browse the web. This could put companies such as Verizon and AT&T in jeopardy, especially if T-Mobile plans to release a new ‘sidekick.’

Local Roof Stays Intact

North Granby, CT – With all of the snow that has been pouring down so far this winter, it is no surprise that driving conditions are not at their peak, car crash rates may be increasing, and roofs have been caving in. I would like to share a different story with you. A local family is able to smile with joy after their homes roof has not collapsed.

“Yeah, our neighbors roof, right across the street, collapsed this morning so we’re just really lucky,” Franklin told us.

Seven roofs on his street were reported to have caved in to date this winter and the Franklin family feels very fortunate that they have not had any problems. “We actually haven’t had our roof replaced in over twenty years either so I really am shocked.”

What is so inspirational about this story is the family has decided to climb on top of the roof to make snow angels side by side. When asked why they did this, Franklin’s response was “now we know we will be safe at night, sleeping with angels over our heads. With angels over our heads, nothing bad can happen!”

The Franklin’s are going to be going door to door throughout their neighborhood this week to see if anyone would like their services – that being, creating snow angels on roofs to help secure the safety of the people of North Granby.

Mother Explains To Daughter That Lost Was Not A Reality Show

Wisner, LA – Seventeen year old Carmen Aimwell picked up the full six season box set of LOST three days before her appointment to get her wisdom teeth removed. “I love reality shows and I was looking for a new show like ‘Survivor,’” Aimwell explained. With the wisdom teeth operation only days away, it was wise of Aimwell to plan ahead as bed rest is common after this procedure.

She completed all 25 episodes of the first season in just three days. As the season came to a close, she immediately began season two, devastated that many died in the crash, but also thrilled about the large number of survivors. “I was getting ready to call for help for the poor survivors but I knew there were still five seasons to go so I’m sure they get rescued or they wouldn’t put this on TV,” Aimwell told us.

Aimwell watched season two in just two days and was just in shock that nobody had come to rescue these unfortunate victims of Oceanic flight 815. She was so impressed with the way the survivors had adapted to the island and their ability to divvy up a limited supply of food. Knowing there were still four seasons to go, she could not wait any longer and told her mother that she was going to do something about this.

“I called the police but they hung up on me,” Aimwell proclaimed. “I figured since the accident was out of Wisner, LA, they had no jurisdiction so I went online to try to call Oceanic [airlines] but I could not find a phone number so I called American Airlines instead.”

With the police and American Airlines unable to help Aimwell, she asked her mother for advice. “I explained to her over and over again that LOST is just a television program but she just yelled at me and said she knows that. I told her it’s not real and they are just actors,” Aimwell’s mother, Lucy said. “She just wouldn’t listen and I didn’t know what to do.”

Since the survivors were even unsure of their exact location, Aimwell knew she would be unable to track them down but she would not give up. “I figured the best thing to do for now was just watch season three,” she supposed. Season three frightened the seventeen year old more than any other season knowing all about what the others were capable of. “I was just like so insanely worried about Jack and Kate! I mean, what if something happens to them?”

Aimwell’s mother finally convinced her daughter to watch all six seasons before continuing her rescuing rampage. Aimwell did not leave her room for the next 36 hours, watching the final three seasons straight through. “I was more confused than school,” Aimwell said. What we think she meant by that was that the ending of LOST confused her more than school confuses her. “I am not really sure how they got rescued but at least they all went to church together in the end! I just think it would have been nice if they showed how they got rescued,” Aimwell told us.

Her mother did never get her point across that LOST was not a reality show, but was pleased her daughter gave up in attempting her own rescue mission for those ill-fated survivors. Aimwell finally said “I can’t believe those people really went through all that. I wonder what happened to the dog.”